Legion

Here’s the latest instalment in ‘The apocalypse has cometh upon mankind’ movies – this time the apocalypse comes in the shape of an avenging angel. Well, there are two, in fact. What am I saying, a whole legion.

‘Legion’ is also the title of the movie about to be discussed. Unfortunately, it’s a let-down from beginning to end with its dumber than dumb gung-ho action and hammy dialogue. It makes you wish the apocalypse would indeed arrive and struck those responsible for this piece of tosh.

Set in a rusty diner in the Mojave Desert, the central figure is Bob Hanson (Dennis Quaid), owner of a roadside café that he runs with his business partner Percy and very young (and very pregnant) waitress Charlie (Adrianne Palicki). The only guests are a slick suburban couple and their loud-mouthed rebel-yell daughter, tucking into breakfast while they wait for their broken-down car to be fixed by Bob’s son Jeep (Lucas Black).
Suddenly, the television goes bump and all the phone lines go out (don’t they always in those kind of movies). While everyone tries to make sense of this weirdness, things quickly get weirder still. A sweet and elderly woman enters the diner, ordering steak (extra raw) and beginning to exchange niceties with the guests. However, within minutes our dear old lady turns into a geriatric version of Linda Blair – launching an attack of superhuman proportions that leaves one guest critically injured.

A cloud of flying insects crushes any attempt to seek medical help and the small group of people come to realize that they are trapped and cut-off from the outside world. Suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere, a mysterious stranger (Paul Bettany) arrives, complete with an arsenal of stolen weapons. He warns them that the world is about to become a waking nightmare for the last remnants of mankind and informs Charlie that her unborn baby is now humanity’s only hope…

It’s from that point that the plot somehow turns into the Terminator 5, with endless fights between all sorts of sinister forces, while the soundtrack keeps switching from pastoral to heavy metal, as if we need special music to emphasize the difference of goodies versus baddies.
Quite what director/writer Scott Stewart had in mind when he penned the script will remain as mysterious as the Jesus-walking-on-water miracle, but whatever it was, it sure doesn’t translate well onto screen.